Bits of Wisdom

I do hereby firmly resolve that during one year from date I will not drink any spirituous, vinous or malt liquors of any kind whatsoever, except in case I may think it would be a good thing to temporarily suspend this pledge. I will not utter a profane word – unless in sport – without having been previously vexed at something. I will make use of no tobacco in any of its forms, unless I think it would be kind of nice. I will not steal no more than I have actual use for. I will murder no one that does not offend me, except for his money. I will commit highway robbery upon none but small school children, and then only under the stimulus of present or prospective hunger. I will not be false witness against my neighbor when nothing is to be made by it. I will be as moral and religous as the law shall compel me to be. I will run away with no man’s wife without her full and free consent, and never, no never, so help me heaven! will I take his children along. I won’t write any wicked slanders against anybody, unless be refraining I should sacrifice a good joke. I won’t whip any cripples, unless they come fooling about me when I am busy; and i will give all my roommates’ boots to the poor.